pasadena #1
after touring art center, the dinner experience left me with quite a bit to think about.
dinner was at quite a posh restaurant. and sitting behind our table was this elderly couple, who both looked rather ill and grey. the man was slightly disabled with his cane and the wife looked so grim. and for the whole of the 2 and 1/2 hours dinner, they never did speak a word to each other.
there was this evident coldness between them. this lack of dynamics. so petrifying, so disconnected. it was then i realized, all i want is someone who thinks like me, who can converse with me and make me feel good, even when im tired or even when im sick. i want someone to be willing to take care of me, just the way i will take care of them. to share the joy and sorrow of life.
緣 , 份
KYLIE 25: TIMEBOMB!
i think puppy eyes just do it for me. hahah
so what now?
this is to you. yes YOU. who else =.=
you’ll be reading this when im on the plane to nyc if it queues right.
- - -
and so i went through a lot of thinking to decide as to whether or not i should go ahead with this post. especially considering that i dont even have just as profound of a response to it now than before. im risking to fuck things up again between us, but i wanna know that ive went for that last stride, that last step…my time is running out.
i can write so much about this, but i wanna keep this short.
im not mad at you. why would i be? i simply dont know what to do with you now.
for the last 8 months, i loved you like no other and there was at least a goal, as far-fetched as it was… but since the weekend, i knew that im done with you, romantically speaking at least. I need to resist speaking to you, because the more I know, the more I hurt on the inside. You never did figure tha one out, did you?
everytime i figured that i have moved on and so i start speaking to you again, i fall back into the pit, whilst the whole time seeing you morph into someone so different than the person i used to know. i cant risk that again. i cant risk thinking about you every night before i go to bed and about you every morning when i wake up. it killed.
i remember so vividly how i would see you in school and i can feel the butterflies in my stomach, a fall in my chest.
and when i feel so hollow at home, so helpless at night. all i wanted was for you to be on my side, to hold me in your arms. to have your shoulders to lie on.
to hear you speak. your voice had the power to make everything seem so much better. and everytime, i told myself that its ok, that you will be there for me the next time. but after all the “next times”, it got to a point where i realized it just wasn’t gonna happen. it was a fantasy. i was living in my own dream.
i lied when i nodded that time when the 4 of us went out and you asked me whether or not im over you. and i lied again outside of XXX club at nicopanda’s.
it took me the world to resist kissing you on the lips as you had offered. but i refuse to be one of your one-nighters. i refuse to be one of your substitutes. i refuse to be the one sharing such an intimate moment with you when i know you don’t and you won’t mean the same things.
people often ask me why. why you? and i could never give them a response. because i guess, i loved everything about you, or that I accepted every little thing about you.
do you remember the time when we talked and talked for hours on ichat. and i saw you through the computer screen every single day?
or the times when we would hug each other for support and for some reason you would get everyone to look at us (i hated you for doing that :3)
or did you ever realized that the day you “asked me out” was the 11th of September?
to be honest with you, that sparked everything. equally catastrophic, i must say…
it became an internal war, juggling between despise and love. it tore me into 2 halves.
once upon a time, i thought love was intense enough to make everything work. i still do. i never understood what went wrong. i never understood and perhaps never will, understand your choice for promiscuity. When that all started, i thought you were just healing from what you went through with your 1st boyfriend. Apparently not. I said this once, and ill say it again. You deserve someone better, someone who loves you, who treasures time with you, and will take good care of you. so this is my last go before i let go, i liked the you i knew during and before summer so much better. and im not the only one.
or maybe im reminiscing the impossible.
dinner is not as ‘lame’ as you think it is. i am over you now. reconsider it.
take care. I knew when I first saw you a year ago or so that you have so much potential in life. You still do. why waste it.
by chance you may see this post.
by chance you may have had the patience to read all the way down to here.
and by choice, you can talk to me again. because, how much i have missed talking to you…(that was my intention for last Saturday anyways..just you and I…) come on iChat more often, I wanna see you even when Im on trip. See you around?
k
learning to accept each others
faults and choosing to celebrate
each others differences,
is one of the most important keys
to creating a healthy, growing,
and lasting relationship.
where do we draw the line.
a continuous, non stop struggle between despise and affection. the tension is suffocating.
it pulls back. it keeps on pulling back. and it keeps on eating it away.
i’ll still be waiting?
thoughts.
would love an internship at-
- tom ford
- an art studio or some sort
- a fashion/art magazine (eg. dazed and confused)
- an atelier
before i graduate from college
what if i tell you that i never gave up on the dream?
got burnt again
note to self: do not play with fire.
